so after spending a whole 48 hours mourning my loss of you, I decided to have as much freaking fun as I dared. now I fear I have once again screwed myself over with the lack of thinking things through and covering my tracks, but still I laugh at these crazy situations and wonder how I get myself stuck in theses places. then I realizes, this is home. crazy huh?

back to you. that’s all my mind ever does, is goes wandering back to you. but seeing you last night making an idiot of yourself helped my poor naïve heart. I can’t help but think about all the stupid things I’ve done in the last week, wanting of your love, and filling it in other places. maybe some of these stupid things will lead to something, almost like we did.

we started pretty dumb didn’t we. a series of- omg, did we just do thats-? well here I am, saying that every five seconds. eh, life is crazy.

so here I am, happy as I am and glad you are not here to share. you would be upset, and I wouldn’t even have to apologize.

as always,

me

Writing this letter to you is a betrayal of all my commitments, to more than one person even , but screw it, its for art right? I miss you. You have no idea how long I kept thinking of your mouth, your face, your hands, your fingers in my hair…spending all day together, never seeing daylight.

I was so broken when I knew you. Thank you for helping me. I miss you. Oh please, I would love to see you again, smell you, hear your breathe in my ear. I can feel a light inside of me that you made shine. You must know what I am talking about, when I was with you it threatened to break through my skin. Now it’s almost invisible. Would you see this? Lately I beat myself up all the time, this is part of participating in a relationship that sometimes makes me feel like crap. I never believed you when you said you wanted to be with me not until it was too late. Could you possible trust me again? Could I trust you? Or think I was beautiful when I worked so hard to be ugly to you?

I miss believing in something and I believed in you. I hope you are happy.

~me

Here I am again, missing you, missing the kinds of things you used to tell me. Talking on the phone doesn’t help at all., just reminds me of you, makes me want to be with you all the more. What am I doing here? And why are you there? I miss you and that’s barely even saying anything, barely even the rip of the iceberg; you know what I mean?
I hope you’re happy, healthy, liking your job, ect., ect., ect….. Glad you’ve made friends, with I could say the same, No, its not true…I have lots of friends, but …none of them are you. And I can’t help it, I miss you! When are you coming home? I wish I could fall asleep next to you. I’m tired of bad dreams every night.

Don’t go falling for anyone else, okay?

Till forever and ever,

~me

I miss you when I hear this song. It makes me remember what it’s like to be with someone who believes in things. And here I am, in this dreary little town, life being sucked out of me, little by little, till all that’s left is drama (which are the leftovers of something once believed in) and a huge confusion over whether you would hear this at all, even if I said it to your face.

Here’s a secret: this is the kind of girl I am, to give things up easily, not look back, but hold a place in my heart for ages and ages, believing with no evidence at all, that I am still loved, and somewhere there is a connection waiting to be made with you. So even when all this lies dusty and forgotten, even if my memory is cursed, here I am, offering a remnant of a scrap of something that I will believe is good.

Does anyone make you happy? Have you let them try? I don’t know…maybe I shouldn’t have asked. Am I stupid or what? You should come see me now- this place that I am. Everything is so beautiful, everything falling apart ever so slowly. It reminds me of a silent movie.

I want to live a simple, happy, humble life, but that seems miles away.

Enough!

Let’s open all the windows and let in the sunshine!

~me